Achieving long-term closeness with a partner is one of life's greatest treasures, yet it remains frustratingly beyond the reach for so many of us, evidenced by the now nearing 50% divorce rate. In fact, many clients talk of their loneliness despite being in long-term relationships.
Marazziti & Canale’s research showed that the “good feeling” hormonal chemicals that burst within us during courtship and the "honeymoon period, which create the intense, exciting, and magnetic relationship beginning, too soon die down. So, when it does, how do Couples maintain this good feeling connection?
Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver's book, "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work," provides ground-breaking guidance for building healthy, fulfilling, long-lasting Partner relationships.
Their '7-Principles' are based on decades of research by The Gottman Institute, with thousands of couples. As a Level 2 Gottman trained couples therapist, I now teach the skills based on these principles, to nurture closeness in relationships – communication, trust, respect, and conflict resolution.
The Gottman Institute research made the crucial discovery that 69% of conflicts in relationships are perpetual problems based on lasting 'natural' differences between Partners - differences grounded in their different DNA, personality, culture, values, and past life and childhood experiences. Gottman therapists teach couples how to navigate these natural differences, which often lay hidden beneath their, often gridlocked, relationship conflicts. With training, couples learn to communicate about, better understand, and value their differences.
The '7-Principles' they found underpinned healthy long-term Partner relationships are:
1. Share Love Maps: Understand your partner’s inner world - their life history, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, etc.
2. Nurture Fondness & Admiration: Show affection and respect for your partner.
3. Turn Towards Each Other: Make bids for each other’s attention; be present in each other’s lives.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You: Share decision-making and respect each other’s opinions.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems: Tackle straightforward issues together.
6. Overcome Gridlock: Have healthy conversations about perpetual problems.
7. Create Shared Meaning: Build a life journey together that is meaningful for both partners.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman also indicate a need to be vigilant about the "Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse" – Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. Gottman Institute research found these 4 specific negative interactions were common lethal causes of relationship dissolution.
"Happily ever after" doesnt simply happen. Successful long-term relationships take effort, but the rewards of a close and loving committed long-term relationship are well worth it. Sharing intimacy, dreams, interests, and desires with another person is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life - and, in fact, can result in adding years to one's life and with significantly fewer health problems.
If you feel like you and your partner could benefit from relationship counselling, please reach out to Tony Vickers-Willis at http://www.eurekapsychology.com.au and take the next step in your journey today.
This blog is an edited version of a client article on Tony's Eureka Psychology website. Click here to access the complete article.
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